how I got here

I've never been the prettiest girl around, never been the most intelegent or the most talented. I was always (and still am till I get to know people) the quiet and shy one which always made me an easy target. All the way through my school life right up into adulthod I was the target of many bulies. I got the ocasinal physical abuse of my peers, but maostly it was verbal, the kind that over time sinks into your head, heart, and soul and that eventually you start to believe all the negative things being said about you. But being the stubbrn bitch that I am for all I belived what they were calling me and saying about me, for all I thought I deserved it. I never let it change me in the way of me being there for people when they needed someone. I guess being there for others was my way of cping with my own pain and hurt. Helping others took my mind off what I was thinking and feeling and gave me something to concentrate on. As well as doing that my other means of escape was writing. I would write everything from silly little poems, to song lyrics, to mini stories. basically anything and everything. Then oneday I was on one of the many social sites now out there and saw a group of people I had seen on tv and they were trying to start up a little mini business of their own. So being the giver that I am I along with god knows hw many others voluntered to help in any way I could. Little did I know that doing that would change my life the way it did. They had so many vlunteers they split us up into little groups and made little compititions out of the ways we helped them, which made helping them a lot more fun. I did my usual sit quiet unless needed thing in the group I was put in but I noticed a few in the group were having problems understanding things or doing thing and the girl who was suposed to be the leader of our little group was doing nothing to help them.... so I stepped forward and did what I could to help them understand whatever it was they were having dificulties with. I also ended up offering my ear to thse who needed it on a personal level as well, eventaully it wasn't just girls from my group I was helping but other grups as well. A few months into it I was contacted by one of the people who were trying to get the business up and running telling me that they had several girls from different groups (not just my own) all thought that I hould be a group leader because I was always there when they needed someone and I was asked would I be ok with that. I said ok and for all I was suposed to be the leader of the group it was more a joint thing. If anything it kind of ran it's self and it did so smoothly so I just let it roll the way it was. Thanks to that experience I made a group of good friends from all over the world but there were several that stood out above the rest. One was the wife of one of the guys wh were starting the business, she is now his ex wife and in my eyes better off without him if he is to stupid to see how special she is. She along with a coupld of others after reading some of the things I wrote for the group encouraged me with my writing, gave me the courage to make it more public rather than keeping it locked away where only my eyes could see it. I eventually made a little blog up and wuld post things and all the comments I got (Even the negative ones) helped to boost me even mre and encourage me to write bigger and better things but that isn't how I ended up here. It's how I got the courage to come into rp but not where the idea came from. Like I said we were from all over the world and we all had twitter accounts and kept in touch on there. Then one day we decided to be a little silly. We were all following a couple of the Sam Merlotte rp's on twitter and we decided as seem as we couldnt all go for real life drinks together we would go for vertual ones. We would meet up at a certain time and tweet the Sams, not all of them would reply but one of them always did and he quickly became the one we all tweeted our virtual drinks order to. He played the part perfectly and was almost identical to the character on the show Trueblood. One day I was having a laugh with him pretending to be sat in the bar and trying to catch him out with a drink that he wouldn't know how to make when a girl I had known almost all my life tweeted me asking me did I know that wasn't the real Sam Merlottle. I laughed and told her I shoudl hope not considering Sam Merlottle was a fictional character. She then said it wasn't the actor and I told her I already knew that. The Sam in question by this point had become someone I called a friend we would chat in private messages now and again abut real life. He saw what was being said to me and how quickly this girl telling me I was stupid and that I should grow up and stop talking to fakers was starting to take the happy happy I had going on away so he and another who I had been chatting to in the bar (a Remmy) both set me private messages asking if I had ever thought of joining rp. I said no as wouldn't be able to mimik a character like they could so they said well make one up and just to go chat with them like I already was. So I took the plunge and did so. Sam and Remy linked my girl out and she quickly got a lot wanting to follow her but not many wanting to talk to a new rper. One of the Alcides even decided to try and test my rp skills by trying to make me drop character while talking to him and when I didn't I quickly earned his respect along with a few others and the rest as they say is history... Not sure why I felt the need to write this or even share it but for some reason I did. I think it was because I want to both thank and at the same time make everyone awear of the three real life girls who always had my back and who suported me all the way and who still give me strength when I go to them in need of a boost and also thank My Sammy Boy (as I always called Sam) and Remy (Who I know will never see this as he wouldn't come to fb if you paid him to) because without them five I wouldn't be here in rp today.

NEW YEAR, NEW LIFE, NEW ME

For all 2010 has been one of my better years it has still been far from perfect hence the title.

New year..... Well that's is fairly self explanatory 2011 is a whole new year and with that a whole new life for me.

New life..... Well I have decided after years of running its time to stop. My heart has been closed off from everyone and thing for years and its time I opened it up. This year I opened it up briefly. First time was at the beginning of the year while I was working for a paper in New York. I allowed my old school friend Katrina in due to the fact I saw the same fear in her eyes I had seen in my own once upon a time. The next time I did it was when I first moved here I allowed someone fully in just to be hurt by him, however in opening up my heart to him others had also managed to find their way so far in. Those people are you my friends and family. you have shown me love and support I have never had in my life and despite the fact I closed my heart back up you were still all there for me, and for this I am thankful. It is because of you I have stayed here longer than any other place and it is because of the love and support I have from you all that I have decided now is as good a time as any to stop running and to settle down in one spot. I have bought my own place and I will be opening it up in January its called Lucy's Bar and Coffee House. I'm both scared and excited about this.

New me..... I'm knocking down all the walls around my heart I know this will leave me open to lots of pain and sorrow which these walls have held out. I also know though that these walls have held out lots of joy and love as well which will now be able to enter. I know that with the continued love and support of all of you the good will out way the bad. Another way I'm a new me I'm now my own boss, however I'm not giving up my job as the advice columnist for the Bon Temps Tribune. I enjoy helping people and being here for those that need support to much so I'm continuing with that as well.

As I stated before all these changes, not just the opening of the new bar I find both exciting and frightening all at the same time, but I'm determined that 2011 will be the better year for me regardless of anything or one. I feel so lucky to have all of you in my life and hope that you will all continue to be there with me for years to come.

christmas time

merry Christmas to all my followers. I hope you are all well and that Santa was very good to you all.



I got to spend Christmas with one of my closest friends Maria Devoroe and her family including my god daughter brook. she is growing up so fast but is still my little princess and still as beautiful as ever.



I know its been a long time since I wrote anything that is because I have been very busy setting up my own business. that's right I said my own business. I bought the property a few month back. not long after I became single again and immediately started talking to designers to see exactly what I could and couldn't do. eventually work started and now its all complete.



Lucy's Bar And Coffee House will be opening in January and that is when I promise to tell you all more about it. until then. take care and I hope you all have a great new year.



Love Always Lucy

I'm not a toy you can play with so stop messing me around,


If this means nothing to you then don't stand there not making a sound.

Be a man and have the decency to tell me so at least then I will know,

And if you think this could be something good then speak up before I go.

Rest In Peace Leslie Nielsen

the world was better off for you being here.


and for every year that you were it will now shed a tear.

now your up in heaven smiling down

we promise not to cry or to frown

but to remember all the good and funny things you've done

during your time walking the earth under the sun

you made us laugh, you made us cry.

you were a hell of an actor and a hell of a guy.

a poem for a lost loved one

god blew the whistle and you had to cross the line,
from this mortal realm to a land divine.
he needed one more angle someone he knew would care,
not someone who'd sit and laugh or just stand and stare.
he needed one more angel someone filled with love,
that's why he took you from us to live with him above.

My Past

i was born november 19th 1985. I was raised, if you could call it that, in a single parent family. You may be wondering what i mean by if you could call it that. My dad left a month befor my 5th birthday. I'm guessing he had enough of my mothers behaviour and atitude but at the time like most children that age I thought i had done something wrong. My mother, in name only as she never acted much like one, had not one but two substance abuse problems. Befor my dad left she just used to drink though she was a mean drunk. I hated it when she was drunk she would shout and scream and throw things at my dad telling him how useless he was as a man how all men were the same. i would just lie there in my bed head under the cover crying wishing she would just stop. My dad wasnt useless he took me to the park, to the zoo, to doctors apointments. He was the one that cooked the meals, paid the bills, kept the house clean, yet still she would have a go at him for no reason. Like I said as a child i thought it was my fault that my dad had left i though i was to much for him to cope with as i grew older i realised it wasnt me it was her, after years of abuse he'd had enough and left. Thats when my mother started to go out everynight leaving me locked in the flat, thats when all the diffrent men started to come around, and thats when she turned not only to drink but to drugs.




I was kind of lucky in away for all she wasnt there for me my grandparents only lived a couple of blocks away and so they did things with me now and again. My favourite memory from my childhood was when they took me to the coast. i was 5 years old and it was the first time i'd seen a beach and the ocean, i think my eyes must have nearly popped out of my head. I loved pops and ma and they were my only link to my dad though when i would ask them about him they would change the subject. It wasnt untill they died i found out they hadnt heard from him after he left me mother and me. I guess he wanted a clean break.



After pops and ma died i was baisicaly left to raise myself. My mother was always either to stoned or two drunk to even notice what was going on around her. The only time she seemed sober enough and clean enough to know anyhing was when she wuld go to get her money. Every week it was the same routine, get money, get whiskey, go home, get drunk, fall asleep. Thats when i would go in her purse and take out enough money to pay the bills and buy food for us both and an extra $1 in a jar i kept hidden in my room. That was my freedom money as i called it, i knew one day i to would be like my dad and leave and knew i would need funds to make sure i could get as far away from her as possibul. Thats what my fredom money was, that was my hope of one day having a normal life whatever normal was.



As the years went by the roles were reversed. I baiscaly became the parent, making sure the bills were paid, there was food on the table, the house was clean, she got to all her apointments on time and clean. I even got a part time job after school so there was extra money coming in so we could aford to pay the bills and still put a little away for myself. The diffrent men were still coming in the house but i would always lock my door i didnt want to know who they were. When i was 15 however that changed. i was sat listening to some music when i heard my mother screaming. I ran out of my room and saw some guy hitting her because she wouldnt give him her purse. As much as I hated the woman I called mother I still wasnt about to stand there and let her get hit. Without thinkiing I jumped on his back and started hitting him only to get picked up like some old rag doll and throwen across the room. Fighting the pain as i heard my mother scream i ran to the kitchen and grabbed the largest sharpest knife i could and stuck it in his leg. He screamed so loud thought my ear drubs were about to pop, the next thing i know he was off my mum and backhanding me across the face befor running out the flat. I instictivly jumped up and locked the door behind him befor going to see if my mother was ok, only to get another back off her as she started to yell and scream at me for hurting a man she loved. After screaming back did she feel that way about all the dicks she had every night i ran and locked myself in my room and packed a bag determent to leave till i heard her crying in her room. I couldnt leave her like this she needed someone to look after her and if i didnt who would.



Four months had past and things seemed to get better my mother seemed to try and get clean. she had her relapses where she would get so drunk i'd have to put her to bed but less men were coming round and she even tried to make breakfast for me a couple of times. A couple of days after my 16th birthday i came home to find a cake on the table and a note from my mother "gone to get candles happy birthday" i laughed at the fact she was a few days late but at the same time was so happy that she had remembered for the first time in god knows how many years. I decided while i was waiting to go have a bath to relax as work had stressed me out that day. As i was geting out and wrapping a towel around myself i heard the door open and went out with a smile thinking i would find my mother there with the candles for the cake. What i saw instead was my drunken mother in the arms of some guy who would make freddy kruger look like a model. I still to this day hear his words as i worked out the bathroom "wow sweetness your hotter than your mother". Skin crawling with disgust i went into my room slaming the door behind me and got ready for bed i never realy thought anything about it. As i lay on my bed i could hear my mum and this guy laughing in her bedroom at which point i put my headphones on turned up the music and tried to go to sleep. I cant remember what time it was when i was woken by a sudden weight on top of me i felt like i couldnt breath and opening my eyes i saw the same disgusting guy naked leaning over me. i told him to get out and screamed for my mother as he tried to climb into my bed telling me he wanted to know if i was as good as her. I continued fighting and at one point felt a little relived when i saw my mother in the door way that soon faided when she smiled and walked off. Somehow im not sure how i managed to not only get out from under him but to get him out my room and quickly locked my door. As he was banging on my door i quickly got changed grabed the bag I had packed mothes earlier and the money i had been saving and climbed out the window and down the fire escape. The fact my mother had seen one of male friends trying to get her daughter all she did was smile about it. That was the last straw i couldnt stay there anymore she could look after herself from that moment on. I not only left the flat but i also left New York and got as far away as i could making sure i had enough money to survive till i could find a job.







I ended up living in some quiet all be it sleezy little back water place, the only reason i was there the rent on the apartment i found was so cheep i could aford the two months in advance. The good thing about this place was it was only a couple of hours by bus to the ocean which is where i spent a lot of my time for the first couple of weeks, remembering the good times i had at the beach with pops and ma and trying to work out what i was going to do for money. Luckily for me on the outskirts of the town there was a bar that was hireing, and again luckily for me they didnt care about your age. As long as you knew your drinks, which thanks to living with an alcoholic for so many years i did, had a pritty face and were willing to dress sexy you were hired. I didnt realy like the idear of dressing in low cut tops, mini skirts and heals while in a sleezy dive like that but it was necessary evil if i wanted the job, and unfortunatly i needed a job to be able to survive. The guys who came into this bar reminded me of the guys that my mother had brought home everynight, ugly, drunk and only after one thing. The boss was worse than the customers at times he was an ugly smelly fat slob who delited in rubbing against you as he walked past even if there was plenty of spae to get past he would still rub up against you and all i could realy do about it was force a smile and continue with what i was doing. I couldnt aford to loss the job.



As the months went past and i proved to the boss that not only to know my drinks but how to handle the customers, not only the sober ones who had little regard for manners but also the drunk ones, he seemed to relax the dress code a little my skirts got longer and my heals smaller and he never said a thing. even though i was showing less every night the first thing i would do when i got home was climb in the shower and scrub that place off me followed and if i had a realy bad day curl up on the bed and cry myself to sleep. I soon got to know most of the regulars in the bar including a woman called Stacey. she would normaly come in with her husband but there was the odd time she came in alone and when she did we would sometimes stand and talk when things were slow. We got to become good friends and would go shopping together and alsorts, it was nice to have someone i could have a laugh with and talk to. She would come round mine sometimes when her husband was away and i had a night off and we would talk about her marrige, i guess you could say it was through her i found out i seems to have a gift of being albe to help people with there problems. Because i helped her out with a few she told others how good i was and pritty soon while i was serving the customers at the bar they would satart to ask my advice on diffrent things. As much as i hated the bar my job at that point i started to like a little more and even enjoy. i wasnt having to rush home everynight to wash the smell of the place off me and some times would even stay back for a drink and a chat with the owner and a couple of the other girls who worked there. i was begining to feel like this place was home.



The night befor my 18th Stacy and a couple of the other girls from town decided to throw me a suprize party at the bar. I was so shocked when i walked in that night for work and saw streamers and balloons and banners all i could do was cry with joy i felt at last i belonged somewhere and that people did care what happened to me. I guess you could say i felt loved for the first time in a long time. Laer that night the good mood and atmosphire that was surounding me altered when Staceys husband come in and started calling her alsorts just because we were dancing and having a laugh. Grabbing her by her hair he started to drag her out of the bar and i followed trying to tell him she hadnt done anything wrong and that he should just back off go home and calm down. After pushing Stacey in the passanger side of the car he went to go round to the drivers side and i steped in frount of him pleeding with him to just let me friend go because she hadnt done anything. All i got in reply was a punch to the face at which point i dont remember much. I was laid on the floor and some guy came running across and started fighting with Staceys husband, she while that was going on had got out the car and come to see if i was ok. It didnt take long for this other guy to knock Staceys husband almost out cold then he helped her to get me up and they took me home where i fell asleep.



When i woke up Stacey was asleep on the bed beside me and the guy who had come to our rescue was asleep on the sofa. I slowely got up wincing in pain and made my way to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror i could see i had a lovely big black eye which was swolen shut. As i came out the bathroom the guy woke up and introduced himself. He said his name was Wesley and that he had been watching me for awhile and had been waiting for the right moment to ask me out as he thought i looks pritty and that i was a sweet girl. I half smiled thanked him and ansewered that with the nice black eye i didnt look so pritty. He at that point kissed me and said yes i was and that he wanted to take me to dinner that night black eye and all as a birthday treat. I was in shock that anyone felt like that and agreed to go for all i didnt know him, after all he had just saved me as far as i was concerned that made him an alright person.



That night Stacey helped me to get ready and to hide the black eye as much as possibul. I'd just finished getting ready when Wesley knocked on the door. When i opened it there he was stood in a suit with a bunch of flowers, i handed the flowers to Stacey and we left. As we were driving i asked where he was taking me and he said somewhere special then pulled over on some back road. I asked why we had stoped and he said because he'd been wanting to do something ever since i got in the car he then lent over and kissed me. As the kisses got more passionate his hands started to wonder and i asked him to stop, telling him that i hadnt been with anyone befor and didnt realy want my first time to be in a car. All he did was smiel and say virgin huh. The next thing i knew the seatbelt was undone, the door locked and my seat went back and he was on top of me. At that point everything seemed to be in slow motion and silent, i was screaming but i couldnt hear it, i was hitting, biteing, scratchin but nothing seemed to stop him and he was to dam strong for me to push off. When he finaly finished he sat back in his seat smileing and sugested we now went to dinner. I just laid there numb, unable to move. when he eased me up so he could put the seat upright so he could drive us to dinner i unlocked the door and ran. finding a hole in the fence a little ways down the road and around a corner from the car i dived through it and hid behind the trees not sure if he was following me or not. It wasnt long befor i saw his car go slowely past as he looked out both ways. i stayed where i was for what seemed like hours befor dareing to move and make my way home. When i did get near to my apratment i looked in the parking lot first to make sure his car wasnt there when i saw it wasnt i ran up to my room and locked the door behind me relived that Stacey had seeminly gone home. I quickle ran a hot bath and climbed in. i didnt care the water felt like it was burning me and i started scrubbing i didnt care about the red marks i was leaving all over my body because i was scrubbing so hard i had to get clean i needed to get clean i needed him off me.



I stayed locked in my apartment for about 5 days not ansewering the phone or the door to anyone. constantly climbing in the bath trying to get clean. aftr about the 5th day i had nothing in my apartment to eat or drink so i knew i had to go outside even though i didnt want to. dressing in old baggy clothing i grabed my purse and slowely made my way out, not bothering to do my make up or hair. the worse i looked the better no guy would want to be near me and i liked that idea. as i aproached the shops i froze. There coming out of the shop was Wesley only he wasnt alone he had his arm around a girl and was kissing her. My skin begain to crawl and my blood boil not only from seeing him but from the fact i knew the girl was only 14. I decided i had to follow then and as i did i rang the local sherifs office knowing that they would come straight out as the girl in question was the nice of there sargent. with no ansewer i left a voice mail message for them saying that they had turned into a wood and that i was following. after i hug up i had last sight of them but went in anyway i wasnt going to let him hurt someone else as i was wondering in i heard her scream seeing him on top of her trying to do to her what he had done to me i saw red and picked up a large stone with both hands and hit his head as hard as i could befor grabbing the girl by the hands and running out of the wood with her constantly repeating that everything was going to be ok everthing was going to be alright. Looking back i'm not sure if i was trying to convince her or me of that fact. just as we left the wood two police cars showed up i told then what id done and where he was one of them went running to where he was while another called for an ambulance. me and the girl sat in the back of one of the police cars and waited. We watched as the the guys from the ambulence went rushing in and streachered him out.



Once he was out the officers drove us to the station for our statements. i told them everything except the fact that he had done it to me insted when they asked why i had followed him i said because i heard he had a reputation for hurting young girls and didnt want to she her get hurt. thats when they told me that he was wanted in connection to other similar incedances and not to worry what i did would be seen as self defence. i was sat numb, emotionless i could see the officer talking but i couldnt hear him. my mind was raceing i started to wonder if i would have been better off staying at home with my mother. i snaped out of the trance when another officer came in and said that it was touch and go as to if he would make it. the officers finished taking my statement and let me go the uncle of the girl was the officer who gave me a ride home. thanking me for saving his neice and saying i did hat i had to do as he had a knife at the girls throat if anyone asked i had to remember to say i did what i had to do he had a knife at her throat he made me repet it twice to him befor i got out the car. a couple of days later i found out he had died the police told me that there wasnt enough evidence to charge me so i was free to go, and go i did. i packed up all i could and moved once more this time to las vegas.





it was the compleat opiset of where i had been no one wanted to know my name, no one even seemd to want to say hello and i liked that fact. i wasnt about to make the same mistakes again. this time no one would get near my heart however at that point i lost myself to. i hit the bottle hard everyday. i lost both my jobs but i didnt care all i cared about was the alcohol, it wasnt going to hurt me, or leave me it was my best friend it was the only friend i needed.



About 3 moths had past and i woke up one morning beside some guy i had never seen befor and went to the bathroom. when i looked in the mirror what i saw shocked me no longer was i looking at my own reflection instead what i saw was my mother looking back at me. the realisation that i was becoming her frightened me into cleaning up my act. once more i moved, only this time i kept moving. i would never stay in one place for longer that 4 or 5 moths i found jobs working as an advice columnist for diffrent papers normaly just filling in while there propprer advice columnist were on holiday or ill. luckily it gave me enough money to be able to pay rent and buy food i didnt need anything else. i never let any one in i kept them all out. I built large walls around me that would stop them all from getting in. the constant moving from place to place helped me to make sure no one got in as i was never in one place long enough to make friends.





then about 9 months back i moved back to new york and got a job working at one of the papers when i saw one of my old school friends worked there also. when i saw her i was shocked to see she was covered in bruses so i draged her into the ladies room and forced her to tell me what was going on. she told me that the man she moved in with did this to her at which point i told her she had to get out of the relationship. she told me she had nowhere to go no one to turn to. looking in her eyes i saw the frightened little girl i used to be and told her she did now. she was moving in with me and i was going to help her. later that day we went to hers and packed up her things and moved them all back to mine. it felt kind of strange letting someone in but she was an old friend and needed my help. it was the least i could do for her as she and her family had been so kind to me as i was growing up. i helped her find her own place get a great job and we even found her a great guy who has been warned that if i ever hear that he has hurt her i will track him down and make him pay for it.





once she was fully settled and happy i started to look once more for a new job and so here i am in Bon Temps. when i first got here i wasnt sure if i was going to like it or even stay but somehow some of the people around this area have snuck their way into my heart as has the place its self. as for what happens now. i still am finding it hard to let people fully in but there are a couple of people who seem to manage to get a little out of me now and again though im not quite sure how.



as for the rest of it.... i guess time will tell.